TooMuchInformation

Coffee was first cultivated in Ethiopia, introduced to
Vienna via retreating Turkish armies, and
institutionalized in the US by a mermaid from Seattle.
We describe it with terms like rich, robust, aromatic,
and instant. The smell of the grounds in the can is
comforting. The swirling loops and color changes
caused by adding cream are transfixing.

My first coffee experiments were with my mother’s jar
of instant crystals. As a teenager I drank it at a
coffeehouse in Cleveland Heights. In Boston I had a
tall cup every morning from a chain near my office, in
New York I bought it from a man in a trailer outside
Penn Station, and in France I drank it in smoke filled
cafes. My first cup back in the States this summer was
purchased at a gas station outside Bucyrus. Burning
my tongue with the first sip, then running to the
bathroom 30 minutes after finishing the cup, I love
coffee.

And so, this FlashQuiz asks: What is your
relationship with coffee? How old were you when you
had your first cup? Is it a part of your daily life?
What do you add to it? Where do you drink it?

All responses will be treated with confidentiality.

Click here to re-read previous FlashQuizes.

Typical of previous Flash Quizzes, this one was weighted towards the US Midwest with 32% of respondents residing there. Ohio, at 22% of total responses, had the largest share. The US Northeast was a close second with 27% of respondents calling these states home. 13% of respondents were from the US South and 10% from California and Hawaii. Not to be completely outdone, 15% of responses came from outside the United States – Canada, France, the United Kingdom, Taiwan, and South Africa. In cases where a resident of one locale was visiting another during the time of the Quiz, her/his response was tabulated as coming from the vacation spot. This only impacted two responses however – two bi-coastal Californians, one visiting New York the other in Boston.  

Unlike prior Flash Quizzes this one skewed feminine - 60% of respondents were women.

Judging from the responses, I’m glad to report that a majority of this group had a healthy breakfast. Only two respondents indicated that they ate nothing for breakfast. One Ohio gentleman is exempt from our scorn however as he was having blood work that day and was instructed by his health care providers not to eat. Ironic, eh? 

Tea was consumed by 14% of respondents while 12% had juice – most typically orange – with their breakfast. One third of respondents had coffee. A few had only coffee. One Chicagoan downed “a medium coffee from White Hen. It was their house blend, which tastes pretty similar to Dunkin Donuts’, the most wonderful coffee on Earth. Unfortunately, the Chicago Health Dept keeps shutting down the Dunkin Donuts that is by my office.” The excitement of the day in Kentucky was a free venti coffee at Starbucks. The respondent doesn’t indicate what he did to deserve the free coffee. But a perusal of the Lexington police blotter turned up nothing unusual.

Many respondents indicated that their breakfast choices are selected to help them with something. One tea drinker noted that she drinks ginseng tea as it is supposed to help with fatigue. A banana eater indicated that it helps her memory. She also couldn’t remember what else she ate.

Among solid foods, cereal and oatmeal were enjoyed by 21%. One oatmeal eater admitted to sprinkling his with white wine – Dry Catawba from Heineman’s Winery specifically.

Another Ohio oatmeal eater admitted to having it twice in one day, “since I was too lazy to go get anything else” she wrote.

Two respondents ate Raisin Bran. One in Hawaii bemoaned the $6 price while admitting she “couldn’t resist the magnetic pull of the pretty new box.” On the flip side, one Canadian enjoyed his “generic no name Raisin Bran”, which I’m guessing cost less, even after the dollar conversion.

Fruit, waffles, and yogurt were also popular choices. Bananas, berries, and nectarines were mentioned most. One New England yogurt eater had to halt her breakfast halfway through due to the recent heat wave. “I was sitting on the front steps of my house to utilize the free wireless internet connection from some unknowing, benevolent neighbor. Eventually the yogurt grew a bit runny and I didn’t finish it. Still hungry, I went inside for the yummy petit ecolier cookies with hazelnut chocolate frosting someone recently brought me from Paris. But she brought them on a 100+ degree day and they were all melted so I put them in the fridge. Today, needing a bit more in the belly and having no bread, I pulled the cookies out of the fridge and tried to eat them but three were stuck together. Trying to eat a triple decker of those things is difficult because there is a lot of crumblage.”

Speaking of France, two Canadians on their final morning in the Alps enjoyed “coffee in a fancy espresso maker” and a frantic search for bread. “It was Sunday, and August, which means most shops have closed for vacances/fermerture annuel.” Happily, croissants were located before the coffee cooled.

Eggs in one form or another were consumed by 14% of respondents, either over easy, scrambled, as part of a potato, egg and onion taco, a Burger King croissanwich, in an omelet, or fried with two slices of toast “with some DELICIOUS marmite on”. (For the record, marmite is anything but DELICIOUS. I believe historically it’s been used as roofing tar and flat tire sealant. It’s also the primary ingredient in artificial fireplace logs. True.)

In the “Just Can’t Get Enough” category, an Ohio respondent wrote “They just built a new Sheetz right around the corner from my work so I have had a hashbrown, bacon-egg-cheese Shmiscuit, a custard filled doughnut, a ‘Red eye’ coffee (large) and a diet A&W Cream soda… so far. I expect to go back for a frozen mocha and possibly a bagel.  Note: Since the Sheetz opened 3 weeks ago, I’ve gained 9 pounds.”  My guess is if they made a marmite filled donut the pounds would just fall off.

Curiously, a woman in Massachusetts had “Barbie Pop Tarts and a Kool-Aid Jammer. Seriously.” Seeing as Barbie is widely regarded as a tart, I guess it was only a matter of time. Wedgy potatoes from KFC and a chicken patty burger (from Ohio and Taiwan respectively) were other odd selections.

Four people had protein shakes or smoothies for breakfast.  A visitor in New York had a “no longer frozen Grapefruit & Aloe Freeze with tapioca pearls.” She made the observation that “easy access to bubble tea is the primary differentiator between Harlem and Mountain View, California.” I would have thought the difference was somewhere closer to access to jazz, Popeye’s Chicken, and Chuck Rangel. But I live in New Jersey.

A state of inebriation the night before was influential for two respondents. One in Virginia had “four bites of garlic chicken stuffed pasta with Alfredo sauce and a handful of peanuts.” The other, a South African, “needed some grease” to make up for his night on the town. A Michigan respondent, who didn’t mention a night out, had “pasta with grilled chicken, spinach, and dried Michigan cherries.” He goes on to add that his “bowels emptied shortly after.”

Among those alluding to diet concerns, granola, Rice Krispies (because they have lower Weight Watchers points than other cereals), and a “fat free blueberry muffin and a glass of fat free lactose free milk” (why not just eat water with unbleached flour?) were mentioned. One respondent in search of a diet wrote “Being overwhelmed by images of Desperate Housewives and also extremely vain, I am following Jared’s advice and eating fresh! I had Subway around 1pm. I heard Meth is a good diet enhancer, got kitty litter? Just kidding!” Shocking, but sad, I hear that Jared also uses kitty litter as a Subway enhancer.

The Atkins diet was referenced by two respondents. “Toast with a side of Atkins disapproval” from Illinois and “a lemon French donut muffin – the new Atkins!” from Vermont.

Two respondents included Diet Coke in their breakfasts. An Ohioan said it was “not very satisfying” while another followed hers with a cigarette. Which, I hesitate to point out, usually follows a different activity.

And there you have it. The non-scientific, anecdotal polling of what you ate the week of August 4-11.

© 2005

This FLASH QUIZ generated a whopping 76 responses.

Respondents include the usual roundup of old and new friends, classmates, family members, and coworkers. The male/female ratio was statistically equal.

Geographically, the responses were overwhelmingly from residents of the US Northeast and Midwest - 38% each. The West Coast accounted for 13%, the South 7%, and the remaining 4% coming from overseas.

The respondents can be broken down into 4 categories: 1) Those with a Significant Other and a Song (SOS); 2) Those with a Significant Other but No Song (SONS); 3) Those who have No Significant Other and Are Bitter About It (NSOABAI); and 4) Those who were Confused by the Question (CQ).

My favorite responses came from the CQs. Two admitted they didn’t understand the question. “I don’t get this” and “I don’t get it” they wrote. Another CQ respondent wrote “Is this for real? You’re not going to the gym yet?” To their credit, all of the CQs had not participated in a FLASH QUIZ before. We’ll see if they do again.

True to the nature of having a song unique to a couple, most of the SOSes listed a song that no other FLASH QUIZZER named. The one exception being “At Last” by Etta James, which 4 respondents listed as their song. Being a gorgeous song that’s easy to dance to at weddings, I can’t say I blame them.

Other SOSes listed loving songs like “Our Song” by Elton John, “Crazy” by Patsy Cline, “Love Will Keep Us Together” by the Captain and Tenille, “Long Time Coming” by Tragically Hip, “Cha Cha Cha d’Amour” by Dean Martin, and “You’re The First, The Last, My Everything” by Barry White.

One up to date female respondent wrote that she and her husband pick a new song every year. Some responded with less than romantic titles such as “How Much is That Doggy in the Window” as sung by Rosemary Clooney and the theme to “Bananas in Pajamas”. I don’t want to think much about what goes on in those households - it might even be illegal in Texas.

One respondent couldn’t remember the name of the song she shares with her boyfriend, identifying it only as “That ‘butterfly’ song that was on FNX for a while a couple of years ago.” Sounds like a keeper! One romantic respondent admitted to having not just a song, but an entire film score. Although she didn’t indicate which film score. Casablanca = romantic; Thelma and Louise = not quite. Speaking of the not quite so romantic, one SOSer listed “You Made Me Love You”, indicating that he got his man “kicking and screaming until he was too exhausted and gave up.”

Among the SONSes, a variety of reasons were given for not having a song. One wrote “I think those people who do are duds.” Another said “what are we 12?” A married respondent wrote “NOPE. That’s a bummer that we don’t!” and from a respondent in a seemingly progressive relationship “If we do, the songs are not the same.” Why limit a special song shared by two people to just one song that you both like? In fact that theme appeared frequently. From one respondent came “no but he does” and another stated “No, but there are definitely remember when songs”.

The NSOABAIs gave the most creative responses. “He’s Got the Whole World in His Hand” and “Separate Lives” by Phil Collins are my two favorites. The latter respondent went on to write “or any song where ‘f*$@ you’ is the message.” She puts the B in NSOABAI! Likewise another writes “Me, myself, and I have a song …it contains the lines: ‘…I’ve learned a lot since you’ve been gone…’”. Some cited their cats (“my cat doesn’t seem too partial to music”) and their toys (“Booboo is the only thing I’ve been sleeping with lately”). Which is sweet, in that “I’m crazy” sort of way.

Many of the NSOABAIs accused the question of being insensitive. One wrote “It’s awfully soon after Valentine’s Day to be making people think about significant others or lack thereof. My case is the latter. Pshaw!” and another “Just another cruel, cruel reminder that my significant other is imaginary, and yes, our song is ‘Making Love Out of Nothing at All’”. But hey, if the man of your dreams is only in your dreams then maybe when you’re … sorry, I got lost.

The final word goes to a respondent I wasn’t sure how to categorize. She writes “…where is my wife and family? What if I die here? Who’ll be my role model, now that my role model is gone, gone, ducked back down the alley with some roly-poly little bat-faced girl…” Sadly, I just don’t know.

© 2005

Before I even get started, let me say -Man, does this group dislike President Bush?!- His approval ratings may be higher than expected a year ago, but it’s clear that Time, CNN, USAToday, Gallup, Fox News, Pew, and even the Weather Channel are NOT polling this collection of anti-establishment media whores. So much for John Ashcroft’s “with us or against us” dichotomy.

Predictably, George W. Bush was cited in many predictions, most with negative connotations. Some revealed distrust for the President. “George W. Bush will gradually take away all our liberties and eventually assume status as dictator of the United States.”

“After the war in Afghanistan comes to a close, George Bush will turn his attentions back to the US and we will again realize why we were so afraid of him in the first place.” And “I predict that the skeletons in Governor Bush’s closet will come out and he’ll have to resign out of embarrassment.” (Skeletons? Do I hear an Enron investigation scene being rehearsed in the wings?) While some merely ridiculed the office.

“George W. Bush will have his picture taken next to a Cobra assault helicopter wearing a cowboy hat and aviator sunglasses, and it will be shown on Fox News with “The Flight of the Valkyries” playing in the background.” (I guess that’s more a ridicule of the news media. Does Fox News qualify as news?) Others poked fun at the First Family. “Laura Bush, along with her two daughters, will be found early one summer morning aimlessly roaming the streets of Dallas after a long night guzzling long necks. Laura Bush will be muttering to herself, ‘We’ll be serving Buffalo which as you know is a traditional favorite of our Native Americans… ordinarily we would open our home to visitors but with all the commotion we’ve had to be extra careful with darkies and such…’”.

As unlikely as this is, the only remotely positive Bush related prediction was that “George W. Bush will properly pronounce Taliban three times in one speech.”

Other predictions in the political arena concerned Donald Rumsfeld (he’ll be lost in Pakistan and found a cannibalistic cult), terrorism (this time in Europe), and Afghanistan (Afghanistan will have ten different power-sharing governments over the course of the year, none of which will actually have any power, and no member of which will actually share anything).

One technologically inclined predictor had this to say: “I predict that wars and conflicts will end in Afghanistan, the Middle East, and in Ireland, all because of the Segway scooter.” Another simply stated “Gary Condit will be back in the news.” Good thing, I was beginning to worry about him.

Other respondents saw important news from Hollywood while gazing in their crystal balls. A few chose to remark on the upcoming Star Wars prequel. “In Episode II, Jar Jar Binks will meet a gruesome and timely death.” And “the second Star Wars prequel will be better than the first”. It’s good to be positive. I look forward to the fulfillment of both of these predictions.

Some saw life changes among celebrities. Madonna and Pamela Anderson had multiple predictions. “Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock will break up. He will date some black model, or maybe some white chic who’s down with trying to act like a black girl (someone like…I don’t know? Pink?) Pamela and Tommy Lee will have another ill-fated union that, thankfully, will not produce any more children.” A conflicting view holds that “Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock will get married and have a sensationally ugly and stupid child.” Really? And from such a promising gene pool. “I think Madonna will divorce Guy Ritchie, keep the British accent, lose 15 pounds, and pose for Playboy again.” Another said that the material girl would become pregnant.

“Four words- Corey Haim, Huge Comeback.” It could happen! Maybe he’ll even appear on the celebrity edition of Survivor. One respondent saw in her crystal ball several actors and athletes publicly admitting that they are in fact gay. Tom Cruise will probably sue each of them.

From the Long-Winded But Probably True So I’ll Print The Whole Thing Department: “Bill Maher will continue to talk about his electric car and Chris Rock will hop on the electric car band wagon as well. M*A*C will come out with a shade of lip gloss called “You Go Ho!” Halle Berry and Lenny Kravitz will hook up (you know it’s just a matter of time); Whoopi Goldberg will have a lesbian affair; Don Johnson will cheat on his 5th wife and as a result, he will be back in the news briefly; Melanie Griffin will go back into rehab (maybe for something new like Oxycontin); Mick Jagger will sire yet another child, probably with someone younger than his eldest child (who is 31); “Sex in the City” will win another award; Sarah Jessica Parker and Mathew Broderick will get a baby (either throw adoption or by natural means); people will get over Gwyneth Paltrow and find a new not-so-talented 20-something to photograph at every event. Light pink will become the “new neutral” and everyone will mix it with chocolate brown for a sort of updated Pucci-meets-Ralph-Lauren-Purple-Lable look.”

While we’re discussing fashion, one predictor wrote he “will suffer a lapse in judgment and wear linen before Memorial Day. Actually it won’t really be a lapse, Gap will have made it fashionable by offering it in a new distressed fabrication suitable for anytime of the year.” Close call.

Another predicts “In the 90s we saw the emergence of the 60s and 70s tie-dyed, paisley prints and bell bottoms. In the last two years we saw 70s polyester garb and 80s neck-less shirts. This year a predication worth betting on is the return of Cro-Magnon wear. Yes, that’s right, fur will be back in. I also predict that PETA participants will be the first in line. Pamela Anderson and Fabio will be scrambling to have the first fur outfits. Christy Turlington and Tyra Banks will be sucking up to top designers to produce one of a kind Cro-Magnon wear. There will be a huge influx of designer knock-offs, which will be cattily referred to by the elite as Flintstone Wear. I predict that this will also make its way into everyday life. Furniture made out of stone, bone phones and the hot real estate will not be in Beverly Hills but in the Rocky Mountains where cave space will be sold for big bucks. To top off these multi-million dollar caves will of course be artist commissioned wall paintings. ‘Man Chasing Large Animal With Spear’ will be the most popular.

No matter how much we try to reinvent ourselves the more we fall back on the past. So I’m running to the gym. I for one don’t want to look like a fatty in my sleeveless reindeer vest.”

From a royal watcher came this prediction: “Prince Charles will marry Camilla after the Queen Mum dies. H.M the queen will frown MORE than usual after this event. The new Crown Princess of Norway will go back to taking drugs and being a party girl on the Oslo club circuit scene, and it will be discovered that she has another love child fathered by none other than Prince Edward, who isn’t gay after all. Sophie, his wife, will divorce him and use her erstwhile royal connections to book big advertising accounts and conventions into Buckingham Palace as a money maker for the royal family, after Osama bin Laden’s terrorists stampede angry herds of cattle into Windsor Castle and cover it in cattle shit, thus making it necessary for the Queen to clip the taxpaying/advertising account public into paying for the cleaning.” I think we saw all that happen on the final season of Falcon Crest. Lorenzo Lamas played Prince Edward.

On a personal note, a few predicted that they would be married by the end of 2002 (better start working on this one). A great number predicted a jump-start to their sex lives (better start working on this one). Among the romance inclined predictions: “I predict that I will finally have sex again - after a lengthy period of ‘rejection-inflicted celibacy.’” “I will meet the man of my dreams. He will already be with someone else, and I will be crushed. Actually, this usually happens weekly. And half the time they’re married. To women.” “I’ll get lucky at NM last call.” “My prediction for 2002 is that hell will freeze over when I have more than 3 dates with the same man and he does not: 1. Fly to Vegas and marry someone else; 2. Decide that he has too many feelings for me and cannot deal with them and must therefore stop seeing me at once; 3. Reveal his true age by inadvertently using his golden buckeye card to get a discount at the movies; OR 4. Tell me I am ‘looking pretty good’ for an ‘older woman’! OUCH! Where do you meet these men? St. Mary’s Bingo Hall? The skate board park?

And finally, I received two conflicting predictions relating to the Lake Erie Islands: “winter will come to South Bass Island and we will walk on Lake Erie” and “we will be fishing in the bay on January 1 but not through ice, with outboards instead.” I’d call this Global Warming, but I’ll need to study it some more.

Whatever the new year brings, I hope it’s a safe one. At any rate, keep me laughing. Please.

© 2005

Once again the male-female ratio was about equal, with slightly more male respondents. Most responses came from Boston, Columbus, and New York but also from people living in Charlotte, Chicago, Cleveland, Los Angeles, Philadelphia, Washington DC, and the boonies of Connecticut, New Hampshire, Vermont and Utah.

Responses to this FLASH QUIZ primarily fell into two categories: Those who see themselves in an existing Aaron Spelling production and those who created a new vehicle for their own star-power. The latter group went above and beyond answering. As if they already had their situation mapped out and were just waiting for someone to ask. Fortunately I asked. Some REALLY sat down and thought out an answer.

A few responses are just a week short of being made into proposals for shows and shipped off to the WB for consideration. Most of these took a self-deprecating approach to the question. They gave their shows negative titles and themes. One respondent called her show The Bitter Years. “Just as The Wonder Years was a nostalgic look back at the angst-ridden pre adolescent and adolescent years, this show will deal with the angst-ridden mid 30 years. A single mother to 2 small children; working for less than peanuts as a peon in the Ohio Public Defender’s Office where the biggest career challenge she faces is whether to use the automatic or hand-held stapler; where the big action on Saturday night is steam-cleaning her carpet and marveling over the difference between the cleaned and not cleaned areas; and she gets excited over triple-coupon days at Kroger! Of course there would need to be a dream-sequence plot in every episode, where our heroine devises new and interesting ways to do away with her villainous ex-husband…” The respondent continues with the love interests for her character. “My character would be interested in a Chris North or Benjamin Bratt type, who of course, would have no interest whatsoever in me. However, Ed Asner and Gavin McCloud would.”

Another came up with this possible series: Sexless in the City or Suddenly Single. “This dramedy would be a combination of Bridget Jones/Sex in the City/Mary Tyler Moore Show, about an attractive, professional, somewhat neurotic, outgoing, thirtysomething, freak-magnet, singleton making her way in a world of bad hair days, bad days at work, and bad dates while attempting to have a good time and poke fun at her situation. Possible one-liner: ‘I’ve got everything going for me but no one wants it.’”

Another respondent, who insists he’s funnier than Cybil Shephard, outlined this serial plot: “Struggling actor in Boston working multiple odd jobs to get by while waiting for his acting career to take flight.” He envisions the show appearing on NBC’s Thursday Night Must-See-TV. “I’ll take on the slot competing with Survivor. I don’t want those trashy Survivor fans watching my show anyway. (Tyrus, I assume you’d make due with at least taping Survivor in order not to miss an episode of my show.)” (Editor’s note: I don’t know what he’s talking about! I DO NOT watch Reality TV. I don’t. Anyone who says otherwise is lying or confused or both. I’ve never seen Survivor, Big Brother, the Mole, Temptation Island, Fear Factor, 1900 House, the Real World, Road Rules, Real World/Road Rules Challenge, Murder in Small Town X, nor Making of the Band.)

From a grad student living out West came a show titled Herbin’ Legends. Her character would be called “Goddess of the Ganja, a house mother to young granolas who need guidance. I would have a lovely garden and host outdoor dinner parties every weekend with wine, vegetarian fare, and a powerful mixed salad for dessert. The guest list would include artists and activists of varying ages and races. Together we would create a New World order. I would also occasionally take in those young lost granola boys and educate them in ways they won’t even begin to understand until years later when they realize I’ve changed their lives forever.” I think she’s talking about sex.

Another describes a show set in “a house full of high tech workers right outside of New York, also know as the Silicon Parkway. Each week a different one of us would have a job, while the rest of us would be dealing with our most recent lay off and consequent job search.” Others were similarly non-enthusiastic about their life story even making it to a television series. One respondent stated “it doesn’t matter what my show would have been called. It would be cancelled so quickly it wouldn’t be printed in the TV guide.” Another wrote: “I think my life may be so uneventful that it went off the air. Actually, it might be played as late night re-runs sandwiched between Laverne & Shirley and Welcome Back Kotter.”

Several respondents would like to be plopped down into existing shows. Among the most popular series are: Ally McBeal, Dallas, Fantasy Island, and the Love Boat. For example, “I’d be the homely bookworm on Beverly Hills 90210, and everyone would ridicule me, until one day my absentee dad reappears, and it turns out that he’s Lord Fanshawe. Brenda throws herself at him, and tries to be my new best friend, and gives me a makeover, and then it backfires horribly, because I know all along that Brenda’s just using me to get to my father. I’d use my new beauty and glamorousness to show the world Brenda’s selfish nature by stealing Dylan (who’s in on my plan from the start, being the only person who was genuinely nice to me), and then I’d go back to being a frumpy bookworm (though no longer homely). Brenda is eaten up by remorse and learns a valuable lesson, and she’s about to apologize to me when Lord Fanshawe–who had been mystified the whole way through by Brenda’s advances–decides that the American school system has had a dreadful influence on his daughter, that he doesn’t want her associating with sixteen-year-olds who act like prostitutes, and takes her back to England with him, where she becomes a social success in spite of being a bookworm and lives happily ever after. Run closing credits.”

When it came to casting, responses were all over the board. One Fantasy Island fan wrote “I would love to see Tattoo play me merely for the logistics involved: I’m tall and he’s dead. Also, midgets make me giggle.” I believe they prefer to be called Little People. But I suppose when they’re dead it doesn’t matter.

Among gay male respondents, Parker Posey and Tori Spelling were both high in demand. I have no comment, just thought I’d point it out. Another suggested Helena Handbasket or Mindy Kennedy-Ford play him. I’m not sure if these are existing drag queens or character names.

Other interesting casting calls include Matt LeBlanc, Liev Schreiber, Kadeem Hardison, Terri Hatcher, Lisa Kudrow, Burt Reynolds, Jeanne Tripplehorn, Paul Reubens, and the original Darren from Bewitched. One respondent didn’t care who acted out her life story “as long as my red hot lover is played by Jude Law.” Makes sense to me.

Another wrote: “playing me as an old-lady-looking-back would be Sophia Lauren and the young me would be played by Winona Ryder. I’ve chosen these leading ladies not because they’re my look-a-likes, but (aha!) for the opposite…to protect my anonymity. (because conventional wisdom has it that you should never trust a gay man who says all responses will be kept confidential.).” Really (censored)? Does conventional wisdom really say that, (censored)? (censored) who grew up in Wyoming and now lives in Boston and is dating an Italian man? (censored) can be reached at (censored)@yahoo.com.

© 2005

This has been a long time coming. Sorry about that. Maybe some of you are glad though. The last FLASH QUIZ question asked was “What interesting names did you have for your genitals as a child?” The answers were of course, interesting. Here’s the list broken down by gender.

Male:

• “Nuhonyas.” Pronounced nuh-hon-yahs. I got hit in the crotch with a football and screamed, “My nuhonyas!” I don’t know where the term came from.
• Never had a name…maybe now…I’ll call him my beagle. I could take him for a walk
• My parent’s gave me the book “Where Did I Come From” very early on, so I knew to say the word “penis”. They were great parents that believed in comprehensive sexuality education.
• Dinky-hinkus
• I called mine meatball cocker
• The first name I remember was “pee-pee.” Followed by “tollie”. My personal favorites were “weasel” - “I need to drain my weasel,” - “dipstick” and “chocolate-rod.”
• Pee-pee
• birdy
• plantain, caterpiller or loach
• koochie-pop
• I can tell I am getting old. 1.) I can’t remember, and 2.) I am offended by the question.
• ding-dong
• Uncle Ed
• TURTLE
• I had always been partial to Wiener. If I think of anything more creative from my past
• I’ll let you know. I liked the Sat morn cartoons quiz better.
• I never got into nicknames for those areas. It’s a thing not a person.
• Big Jim and the twins.
• Johnson of course

Female:

• I don’t recall having a pet name for my genitalia growing up. I did hear a very cute example of what to call the area - “Princess” even though I don’t use that reference myself.
• Just plain old cuchy.
• I don’t remember there being any names for my bits and my Mom’s bits but I remember that my Dad’s penis was referred to as a “pee-pee pipe”. Can’t make that shit up.
• Doopey (rhymes with Snoopey)
• I know my mom (an OB-GYN nurse) tried to train me to say “labia” but I don’t think I ever did. I did once babysit a little girl who announced one sunny Saturday morning that her brother had a penis and she had a “china”, but I was never that inventive about it.
• I am however, most troubled when people refer to their vaginas as “bottoms” either to young children or not.
• Only proper terminology allowed for all body parts!! In fact, I wasn’t even allowed to pee…only urinate.
• I’m chagrined to admit that my mom always called the vagina a “dinkus.” Sad but true.
• I used to refer to my vagina as Zsa Zsell. The “Zs” sound is like Zsa Zsa Gabor. I wasn’t sure exactly how to spell it, but I did the best I can. Interesting addition… My 3 year old niece refers to hers as her ‘gina.
• My parents were of the “be literal, direct, and don’t pussy-foot around” mode of sex education and they told me from the beginning that it was my own personal Venus Fly Trap, a snatch, a heater, a cooze, a fleshy garage for men to park the flesh bus… there were other terms, but I think the trauma of having parents who spoke so frankly caused me to block them out. BTW, I am glad that the Sopranos is bringing the word “cooze” into the common vernacular as that is probably my favorite word to use when speaking of my hoo-ha.
• No name as a child–but as an adult? Cleo (short for Cleopatra–the queen of course)! I am pretty sure that that name was the counter to the name of a male part–too bad I don’t remember the details.
• Unfortunatly I did not have any cute names for my “snussy” when I was younger. My parents were very straight forward about the whole sexuality thing (I had that purple “where babies come from” book) so it was always known by me to be a vagina. I was really into the Letter People back then (the puppets in the shapes of letters). Now I don’t remember this, but my mom tells me that one day I was running around the house naked saying “v is for vagina” and laying down and making a V with my legs.
• Virginia. That is what I still like to call her sometimes.
• kooter and kootchie
• cauchy pronounced (caughtchee)
• This is my work email, so I must decline to participate.
• I don’t remember having a name for it however my Aunt Eleanor called it a “Sally” which creeps me out even to this day!! Where the hell she came up with that I will never know. She would tell me to “go piddle” and wipe my “Sally”. Scary!! Thank goodness my mother was normal!

There you have it. Eighteen male and seventeen female responses. Not the most popular FLASH QUIZ. Which goes to show you that some things ARE sacred.

© 2005

Paraphrasing Karl Marx, Emma Goldman called U.S. elections the opiate of the masses. Instead of being involved daily in governance, we surrender our voices, using them only once every four years. Our vote is deemed sacred, private, the ultimate (and only) civic responsibility. As the one time most Americans are politically involved, it is interesting to analyze how we cast our votes.

Ninety-three FLASH QUIZes were emailed, thirty-eight responses were received. Most actually answered the question. The respondents were almost equally split between male and female. All respondents are US citizens. Most reside in the Midwest and Northeast. FLASH QUIZes sent overseas were routinely ignored. Only one Floridian responded (sore subject?). As well only two responses came from the Western US. Guess the energy shortage is having an effect on the response rate. I’m sure it has nothing to do with yours truly.

Of those responding, slightly more than half admitted to voting for a 3rd party candidate at some point in the past. Many of these indicated support for Ross Perot (although no one could agree on how to spell his name. Peroe? Pero?). One respondent even went so far as to say that she voted for Perot adding “didn’t everyone?” On the contrary, another stated that she has never voted for a 3rd party candidate “especially not for Ross” (guess she didn’t even want to take a stab at his last name). While another admitted to casting a ballot for Perot, but was relieved in hindsight that he didn’t win. Thanks for researching your vote first.

Others who named candidates admitted to voting for Ralph Nader, Harry Browne, and John Hagelin. One admitted to voting for “two women I had never heard of.” Again, thanks for being an informed voter. The Browne supporter said that he voted Libertarian because they stand for “less government, which means more drugs”. It’s nice to see good old-fashioned American values at the heart of each vote.

One respondent supported a 3rd party candidate then expressed embarrassment when she heard him speak. Which strikes me as a good reason to include 3rd party candidates in televised presidential debates. The debates would be more entertaining if nothing else. On the other hand, this last election cycle turned up two major party candidates who were painful to listen to as well.

Some respondents made threats to vote for 3rd parties in the future. One said “I intend to vote for the candidate from that party that believes the aliens are coming to save us from ourselves, because except for the alien thing, I agree with pretty much everything else they have to say.” Another respondent told of a British party called the Monster Raving Loony Party. It seems they get about 4% of the vote every election “because they are so crazy it is fun to vote for them”. Sounds like the kind of crazy fun that drove my ancestors out of Europe. Let’s hope it stays overseas.

A respondent irate at the outcome of the last election said he would consider voting for a 3rd party candidate in the future “now that Clarence Thomas and Rhenquist have paired up as the Supreme Selectoral College”. Funny, you forgot to mention Antonin Scalia (Sing “Don’t Cry for Me, Judge Scalia” to the tune of Evita).

Two respondents confessed to influencing their parents to vote for John Anderson in 1980. That’s wholesome, isn’t it? Endless months of television, radio, and print ads, bumper stickers, press releases, rallies, mass mailings, and countless other attempts to sway a vote and it comes down to an eight-year-old in a voting booth. Politicos pay attention! This could be an untapped market. You want the soccer mom’s vote? Go through her children. Start advertising on Nickelodeon and lunchroom milk cartons. Instead of big business and labor union contributors start a program for soliciting money from the under $5/week crowd.

One philosophical respondent commented, “considering that we are, for all practical purposes, operating under a one party system, it would be technically impossible to vote for a 3rd party candidate.” A disagreeing respondent maintains that “all candidates are 3rd party candidates… that squishy middle of the road party that is too pathetic to take a real stand on any issues.” Another opinion came from an actual 3rd party volunteer (yes! Someone actively in the streets working at the grass roots level. Someone without an ounce of cynicism in his soul, I’m sure). He included the lament “since corporations own the two major parties you never really heard much about the third party.”

Of those who hadn’t cast a ballot for a 3rd party candidate a variety of reasons were supplied. One was defiantly opposed to straying from the two major parties stating “I’m against voting for a 3rd party candidate at this point in political history AND I blame all those people who did for our current situation. It seems like a rather self-righteous, precious, indulgent way to make a ’statement’ merely for the sake of making one when HELLO there are REAL things at stake…. don’t get me started!!” Simmer down sister.

One calculating voter said that he hadn’t voted for a 3rd party candidate in the past because he lived in a “swing-state” and usually went for the lesser of two evils. Honorable move. He went on though to confuse the FLASH QUIZer by adding that he now lives in a state that is overwhelmingly Democratic. He thought this year “they’d elect the president by actual count and cast my vote for Gore” too. I’m not sure why he thought the Constitution had changed. Maybe he figured after 200 years the Electoral College would expire automatically. I think it comes down to old habits dying hard. Actually I think he’s a bit of an idealistic moron, but I don’t want to be rude. The final word comes from a respondent who is also a Planned Parenthood employee. She reports that several donations in George W. Bush’s name have been received at her PP office. News from the PP website indicates that the trend is nation-wide. We’ll see if the President tries to use them as tax deductions next Spring.

© 2005

This is the third FLASH QUIZ I’ve proctored. It’s also been the most popular - a 65% return rate. I guess I hit on a topic that people like. Except for one respondent who said that she’d think about her answer “over lunch.” She still hasn’t reported back. She must still be at lunch.

Most of those surveyed fall into the approaching-30 to departing-30 age range. Likewise, the majority of responses indicate a time when Hanna-Barbera was the primary creator of children’s weekend television. Patterns are definitely detectable. Three responses were mentioned over and again - Superfriends, Scooby Doo, and the Looney Toons (or Titi & Grosminet in France).

Among the Scooby Doo fans was one purist who felt that the latter day addition of Scooby’s nephew Scrappy to the show was “point blank sabotage.” This same respondent admitted to a crush on the character Fred. In fact she called the animated man “hot”. Interestingly, this descriptor was used by more than one.

Another respondent described her appreciation for the boyfriend character in a cartoon “whose name I can’t remember, but it starred a blond cartoon woman named Goldie and she was a model/movie star/private eye type thing. I liked it cause the cartoon guy in it was hot.”

The object of another respondent’s desires was Aquaman from the Superfriends. “He’s a hottie,” he wrote. The libidinous overtones of children’s cartoons will be the downfall of this great nation. Another Superfriends viewer mentioned his disappointment that the Cartoon Network only airs early episodes of the program. He prefers the later seasons, favoring the Wonder Twins to super heroes in training “Wendy and Marvin and their stupid dog.”

A few respondents had counter culture analyses for their favorites. A fan of the Gummi Bears described them as “all the cuteness of the Wuzzles, Smurfs, Shirt Tales, and the Care Bears but with abuse of controlled substances over tones (drinking Gummi juice to get all bouncy? Come on).” Another hinted at a romantic relationship between Johnny Quest’s Dr. Quest and Race Bannon. One respondent was so into Fat Albert that she eventually dropped “out of my Saturday morning bowling league. I think that as a lonely black kid in the suburbs, I found validation in Albert and the gang. Also, the Brown Hornet, the carton within the cartoon, was the only black super hero I was exposed to as a child.” Well, sure, if you don’t count… um… you know… that one.

One respondent couldn’t limit her favorite to just one cartoon, but instead enjoyed the entire Saturday morning experience. “It was the 3-hour line up, especially back when you were little and you got up at 8, before your parents, and sometimes you would beat your sister to the TV, and sometimes you wouldn’t, but you would love whatever was on, and watch in your PJ’s ’til noon.” (Umm, that’s four hours.) A similar response came from a respondent who wrote that she “got up at 6:30 in the morning and dragged my strawberry sleeping bag out to the living room and camped out for an hour and a half of Smurf bliss.” I think people like this are sitting targets for NBC’s Must See TV Thursday night lineup marketing.

A handful of respondents are from a time before television. I am amazed that some of them are able to turn on a computer, let alone log into the internet and figure out how to read email. Coming of age during the Second World War and the decades that followed, their answers are thought provoking. It’s like tapping into a living piece of history. Like Colonial Williamsburg. One gentleman reported enjoying a laundry list of comics from the Sunday funny pages, “we didn’t have TV then”. He listed “Dick Tracy, the Katzenjamer Kids, Ally Oop, Steve Roper, the Phantom, and Brenda Starr.” I checked into these. Quite a few still exist!

Another Golden Age respondent mentioned her favorite radio show, but remembered more about the experience itself than the program. “It was a radio serial play that had an ad for Buster Brown Shoes–and some memorable voice said ‘I live in a shoe…’ While listening to it at Joan Lister’s house (she was Lutheran, which was somehow related to Germany, and so I wondered if I was fraternizing—sororitizing—with the enemy), we colored and imagined. That was during World War II.”

The final response from the over 50 group admitted to watching Howdy Doody and the Mouseketeers at a cousin’s house after school but reports that her Saturdays were spent playing outdoors. “We used to play outside more than kids do now. We played kick the can almost every evening. And we explored the woods and fields around us and built forts. Great fun!” (Kick the can? Sounds like something your dominatrix tells you to do.)

A few respondents reported that they didn’t watch Saturday morning cartoons. These people typically grew up in developing countries or had communists for parents. One respondent reported, “We didn’t have TV. We had to listen to Auntie Kay on the radio or run around in the yard. Of course we did not have much for clothes either, so we ran around half naked.” Another tells me that in her house there were “NO CARTOONS ALLOWED…I had to watch Jacques Cousteau, read a good book and listen to public radio!” YIKES! When did you defect to the West, comrade?

Another with a similar tale to tell reported “I didn’t watch Saturday morning cartoons - the easiest way to explain would be to say that my family was vegetarian at the time and Saturday morning cartoons seem bizarrely coupled with the consumption of beef.” Yet another simply reported “I am a Taiwanese and the networks didn’t air cartoons on Saturday morning.” The only conclusion to make is that the Taiwanese must not eat much beef. A fan of the animated Pacman turned watching the show into a dining experience. “My grandma would make me burgers or Salisbury steak (yes, that early in the morning-kind of like brunch) and I would pretend they were power pellets! Funny thing is — even when I see Pacman stuff — I can still taste that taste in my mouth.” On the other hand, maybe there is a connection between watching cartoons and eating beef.

© 2005

Of nearly 100 FLASH QUIZes sent, 43 responses were received. Not a bad return rate. The survey was conducted on Wednesday, January 31 and Thursday, February 1, 2001, entirely via email.

Those interrogated included college friends, co-workers, one boyfriend, a few crushes, family members, and acquaintances. Ex-boyfriends and parents were excluded (cuz there are something’s I just don’t want to know). One crazy aunt was included. As expected, many distrusted the scientific purposes of the survey and declined to give some information.

One respondent freely supplied information on her footwear, but stated “I don’t feel comfortable telling about the underwear because I have no idea what you are doing with this information!” Others were coy in their responses. One respondent described both her shoes and underwear as “clean and comfortable” (code words for Orthopedic shoes and granny undies, I’m sure).

Another said hers were “good ones that fit, but are old like me”. A male respondent said that he was “wearing a lovely ensemble designed by Israelis. His shoes are low top desert boots and his panties are wine colored boxers”. Another male respondent said that he couldn’t be sure of the brand of his underwear because “if my head could reach all the way back there I wouldn’t leave the house”. Quite true, I suppose. Doc Marten’s were popular among women (and one report of Dr. Martian’s - the same?).

More than a few knee-high boots were reported, as well. There wasn’t a detectable pattern among the men’s footwear. Since most men’s shoes look alike it probably doesn’t matter. Adidas, New Balance, Saucony, and Reebok were common brands among those wearing sneakers.

Black was tops from those listing shoe colors. Red, pink, and a green/brown mix were also reported. A number of respondents of both genders reported wearing no shoes or underwear, sometimes neither. Considering the majority of surveys were returned during business hours, it leaves me to wonder where some of my friends are working.

On the skivvies’ side of the survey, boxer shorts were popular among the men, with briefs and the hybrid boxer-briefs not far behind. Eight men (and one woman) reported boxer shorts. Calvin Klein and 2xist were common brands of briefs.

One alliterative male respondent described his underwear as “Bill Blass blue bikini briefs with purple fishies”. Say that ten times, fast. Among the female respondents, Victoria’s Secret underwear was quite well-liked. Black and blue were common colors.

Not many reported underwear with patterns. A handful admitted to wearing thongs. One noted that she was wearing a thong because it was her boyfriend’s birthday (Not what I would have asked for, but different strokes for different folks).

Instead of listing specific brands one respondent noted that “Corporate America already has us way too concerned about brand names”. I guess this is true. When it came to mentioning where shoes or underwear were purchased, Victoria’s Secret, Target, Walmart, LL Bean, and Banana Republic were reported. Interesting gamut.

To some I may have given the indication that the nature of this survey was to supply information that was inadvertently left off of last year’s census. That is a lie. I asked because I was bored and nosy.

© 2005